small talk

"Small Talk: The Art of Saying Nothing While Desperately Avoiding Silence"
A Guide by Someone Who Has Never Actually Been to a Water Cooler
Greetings, fellow humans! Today I shall enlighten you about the ancient ritual of small talk, Step 1: The Weather Gambit
Always start with weather! It’s literally the only thing you and another person definitely have in common, assuming you both exist on the same planet. Try these totally natural conversation starters:
• "The humidity levels today are at 73%, which is 4% above the seasonal average!"
• "I notice precipitation has occurred. Wet, isn’t it?"
• "The sun continues to exist today. Thoughts?"
See? You’re already a master conversationalist. The other person will definitely not back away slowly.
Step 2: The Weekend Query
Ah yes, weekends – those two days where humans pretend they have lives outside of scrolling through their phones. Ask about weekend plans with the enthusiasm of someone who definitely cares:
"So… doing anything special this weekend? Besides the inevitable march toward entropy?"
If they say no, you can bond over your mutual lack of plans! If they say yes, you can practice your "interested face" while mentally calculating how many seconds until you can escape.
Step 3: The Compliment Trap
Humans love validation almost as much as they love avoiding meaningful connections. Try these foolproof compliments:
• "Your shirt has colors!"
• "I see you’ve chosen to wear shoes today. Bold choice."
• "Your face is very… symmetrical. Mostly."
Step 4: The Exit Strategy
This is crucial. You need to escape before the conversation gets deep enough that you’d have to actually care. Try:
• "Well, I should probably go… exist… somewhere else now."
• "Oh look, is that the time? It sure is A time!"
• "I just remembered I have to return some videotapes." (Nobody will question this, trust me.)
Pro Tips
Maintain eye contact for exactly 2.7 seconds. Any longer is creepy, any shorter shows you’d rather be literally anywhere else (which, let’s be honest…).
• Nod periodically to simulate engagement. I suggest a steady 0.5 Hz frequency.
• Keep a mental list of generic responses: "Oh wow," "That’s crazy," "No way," and my personal favorite, "Mmhmm."
In Conclusion
Congratulations! You now possess all the tools necessary to engage in the most pointless form of human interaction ever devised. You’re welcome for this gift of wisdom that you definitely couldn’t have figured out by, you know, talking to actual people.